When you’re young, the simple question of “want to be friends?” comes out so easily and is the perfect way to start a friendship. You find the commonalities that turn friends into “Best Friends Forever”. As you grow older, you realize things get a little trickier.
Navigating through Motherhood, especially with young kids, you yearn for the camaraderie and carefree friendships of your past. You want to be able to go over to your friends’ house and forget about your cares and just vent. But nap times. Practice schedules. Work. Birthday parties. You name it. They all seem to get in the way.
Moving around so often has made the task of finding friends seem almost impossible for me. As I get older, the more it seems that people have their established friendships and that there’s little room to bring in a new person into their group. Especially if this new person has an “expiration date” in that location.
Every place we move, I say “I’ll be better here. I’ll make more of an effort.” But a couple times of being burned or rejected and I find myself going back into the place where I feel safest and most comfortable; alone.
But this only lasts a few weeks before “choosing to be alone” turns into “I’m lonely.”
When God created man, He was very clear in saying that man should not be alone. From the beginning in Genesis, through the New Testament.
“Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” Genesis 2: 18 (ESV)
“Two are better than one ,because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up.” Ecclesiastes 4:9 (ESV)
“And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” Hebrews 10:24-25 (ESV)
So why is it so hard to make these friendships as an adult? Even among us Christians.
We live in a society where independence is fiercely celebrated. Where asking for help is looked down on. And where the goal is to “do it all.” In this, we are consumed with the busyness of life and doing all we can to keep up with appearances. The term “it takes a village” is said only half-heartedly said when we realize that in reality, we don’t want to be a burden to others or make people think we can’t handle it all.
So how do we change this?
Be intentional.
In everything you say, starting from introductions, be as genuine and authentic as you can. When you find someone you connect with, be intentional on making an effort to get to know them. Set a time and place where you can meet, even with little ones in tow. Yes, it’ll be crazy and chaotic. Yes, it’ll be hard to find a time that meets your schedules. And once that friendship is established, you need to be intentional in purposefully nurturing these connections. Be there for them. Even when it’s inconvenient.
It's the repeated, shared experiences that grow a friendship. And that takes time and work.
I say all of this because it’s a lesson that I’m currently working through. I know that I have less than a year here in Maryland. But I don’t want to be lonely through it all. I want to build long-lasting, meaningful relationships that I can count on. Not only here but in the future.
So I’m going to put in the effort.
Be intentional with my conversations.
Make those plans.
Get out of my comfort zone and be OK with things not always being “convenient”.
Know that I’m not a burden and ask for help when I need it.
Put my pride aside and realize not all friendships are the same.
And who knows? Maybe all this effort will be worth it if we end up coming back to Maryland in the future. And if not, I’ll have some wonderful friends to come visit when we leave.
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